A Most Excellent and Lamentable Parody
by Guiltipleasures
Summary: The entirety of Romeo and Juliet, but not quite. [Details inside. Rated T for language, drunken silliness, and character death that is in no way taken seriously.]
1. Cast list-AN-Prologue-1st Act

**Cast:**  
**Leonardo (Leon) Montgomery**\- The lovable idiot who will stop at almost nothing to be with the one he loves...at the moment.  
**Julia Cappuccino**-The strong, independent woman who rebels against the wishes of her idiot father. And look where that gets her.  
**Friar Larry**\- One of the sensible characters. Also, the one that no one listens to.  
**Marcus**\- Leon's best friend, for...some reason. Also, a relative of the prince.  
**Emma**\- Julia's nurse.  
**Tyler**\- Julia's overly aggressive cousin. **  
Lord Cappuccino**\- Julia's idiot father.  
**Lady Cappuccino**\- N/A  
**Lord Montgomery**\- Leon's father.  
**Lady Montgomery**\- Leon's mother.  
**Rome**\- Julia's fiance who is way better looking than Leon. Also, a relative of the prince.  
**Benny**\- Leon's other friend, and another sensible character that people should listen to more often. He's also a Montgomery, but no one remembers that.  
**Prince Steve**\- He is the prince of Ye Olde Notingland. He has two relatives that appear in this play, and they have much more interesting names than Steve.  
**Friar Johnny**\- A pretty useless character.  
**Bartleby**\- The character who goes wherever he's needed.  
**Greg**\- Servant of the Montgomerys who is supposed to start the fight.  
**Sam**\- Servant of the Montgomerys who ends up starting the fight.**  
Abraham**\- Servant of the Cappuccinos  
**Isaac**\- Servant with Abraham  
**Apothecary**\- The plot device.  
**Rose**\- Someone who really shouldn't be in the cast list at all.  
**The Chorus**\- The character who isn't really a character but appears to explain the boring parts.

* * *

**Note from the Author:**

**I'm a huge fan of Shakespeare. This wasn't for an English assignment or anything, it's just a pet project of mine. I was curious to see how many people would read it and what their reactions would be to it.**

**Most of the dialogue is modern English. I borrowed some original Shakespearean text for comedic purposes, as you'll see later. No disrespect is intended towards Shakespeare's work, fans of Shakespeare, fans of this particular play, or anybody at all really. (Basically: Lighten up, it's just a parody.)**

* * *

**PROLOGUE**

**Chorus: **Hey, everybody! We're here in Ye Olde Notingland to tell you an exciting tale. This is a story about two families who are fighting for a reason nobody bothered to write down, two stupid teenagers who get caught up in drama and romance, and how people die along the way. Doesn't that sound entertaining? It should, so why not continue reading? You know you've got time to kill. So, let's begin!

* * *

**ACT I**

**A MARKET SQUARE IN YE OLDE NOTINGLAND**

_Sam and Greg, servants of the Montgomerys, enter carrying swords and small shields. Greg is also carrying a book._

**Sam: **Hey, Greg, what are you reading?

**Greg: **Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

**Sam: **…Neeerd.

**Greg: **Hey, I'm not a nerd! I don't even understand this stupid play!

**Sam: **What do you mean you don't understand it?

**Greg: **I mean, seriously. Two teenagers meet at a party, make-out before they even learn each other's names, and when they find out they're supposed to be enemies they run off and get married! It's so unrealistic!

**Sam: **Not really, if you think about it. They're two rebellious teenagers with raging hormones and irrational minds who think they're in love.

**Greg: **Eh, I guess so. You know, the way the Capulets and Montagues are fighting, it sort of reminds me of the way our masters are fighting with the Cappuccinos. Don't you think?

**Sam: **Yeah, how ironic would it be if this feud turns out exactly the way it did in Romeo and Juliet? What if by some odd chance Leonardo from our household and Julia from the Cappuccino family meet, fall in love, and eventually commit suicide?

**Greg: **Talk about thinly veiled foreshadowing!

_Abraham and Isaac enter_

**Sam: **Hey, look! People from the Cappuccino house! Go start a fight with them and I'll back you up!

**Greg: **Why do I always have to start the fight?

**Sam: **Because the cast list says so.

**Greg: **Ok, I guess that - hey, wait a minute! That's not what the cast list says!

**Sam: **Fine, I'll just flip them off.

_Abraham and Isaac walk by and Sam flips them off_

**Abraham: **Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

**Sam: **No, I flipped you off.

**Greg: **_[Elbows Sam] _You idiot!

**Sam: **Oh, right. _[Back to Abraham] _No, I did not flip you off.

**Abraham: **I asked if you bit your thumb.

**Sam: **Oh. No, I do not bite my thumb.

**Abraham: **Did you flip us off?

**Sam: **Um…yes?

**Greg: **Idiot!

**Sam: **Ok, I'm confused.

**Isaac: **Are you trying to start a fight?

**Sam: **I'm not sure anymore.

**Greg: **No, we're not trying to start a fight. Are you?

**Abraham: **No.

**Sam: **What am I doing with my life?

**Greg: **We don't need to fight you. Our master is as good as yours.

**Abraham: **I bet you can't say he's any better.

**Sam: **_[Snaps fingers in 'Z' figure] _Oh, no you di-in't!

**Greg: **_[Stares at Sam] _Um…

_Benny enters_

**Greg: **Benny is coming! Say our master's better!

**Sam: **Our master's better.

**Isaac: **You lie!

**Greg: **Come on, ya' pansies! _[draws sword]_

_All four start fighting and more people join in. Benny rushes over to stop them._

**Benny: **Stop fighting, you idiots! You don't know what you're doing!

_Tyler enters._

**Tyler: **You know you're wasting your time, right?

**Benny: **I'm just trying to keep everyone out of trouble with Prince Steve.

**Tyler: **You're doing what?

**Benny: **Um, I just told you, I'm trying to keep everyone out of -

**Tyler: **No, you need to use the word "peace".

**Benny: **Why?

**Tyler: **Because, I have prepared a very witty retort specifically on the subject.

**Benny: **That's a little odd.

**Tyler: **Just say it.

**Benny: **I'm…trying to keep the peace?

**Tyler: **_[Speaking very loudly for everyone to hear] _Peace? I hate the word as I hate hell, all Montgomerys, and you, Benjamin!

**Benny: **That's really mean, what did I ever do to you?

**Tyler: **Shut up and fight me.

_They start fighting._

**Citizens: **What is all this violence!

_Citizens start fighting each other, though they don't really know what's going on._

_Lord and Lady Montgomery and Lord Cappuccino come out of nowhere and join the fight._

**Lord Montgomery: **Wife! Get me my sword!

**Lady Montgomery: **I don't take orders from you.

**Lord Montgomery: **_[Sigh] _Please, dear?

**Lady Montgomery: **That's better.

**Cappuccino**: Montgomery, you villain!

**Lord Montgomery: **Villain? Moi? _[Lord Cappuccino and Lord Montgomery start fighting]_

_Prince Steve, ruler of Ye Olde Notingland, rides up on his pony, erm, I mean horse with his escort and everyone stops fighting._

**Steve: **Oh. My. God. Not you guys again. You are _so annoying_! Because of you, random street fights keep starting and innocent people get killed! Why the hell are you guys fighting, anyway? Does anyone know?

**Cappuccino: **Um…I don't remember.

**Montgomery: **All I know is I hate him.

**Cappuccino: **And I hate him more!

**Montgomery: **You wanna go?

**Cappuccino: **Bring it!

_Lords Cappuccino and Montgomery are about to fight again but Steve's soldiers hold them back._

**Steve: **_[Sighs] _If you ever disturb Ye Olde Notingland's streets again, I'll make you pay with your lives. _[Crowd cheers] _That's how sick and tired of you I am. _[Steve and his escort ride off into the sunset]_

_Everyone else except Lord and Lady Montgomery and Benny exit_

**Lord Montgomery: **_[Dusts off hands] _Yup, another battle rightfully won.

**Benny: **What? No one won! And didn't you just hear what Prince Steve said?

**Lady Montgomery: **Where the hell was Leonardo today? Why wasn't he here fighting?

**Benny: **_[Sighs] _I saw him earlier this morning. He looked kinda depressed. I was gonna go talk to him but he saw me coming and ran off.

**Lord Montgomery: **Yeah, he's been going for early walks a lot lately so he can cry by himself like a little wuss. I don't know what's wrong with him.

**Benny: **Have you asked him about it?

**Lord Montgomery: **I've tried to, but he refuses to talk about it.

_Leon enters._

**Benny: **Here he comes.

**Lord Montgomery: **Benjamin, you're his friend, go talk to him! And if he's still gloomy and depressing next time I see him, I'll blame it on you instead of my lack of parenting skills.

**Benny: **Damn it all...

_The Lord and Lady exit_

**Benny: **Hey, Leon.

**Leon: **Hey, Benny. Do you know what time it is?

**Benny: **Uh, I guess about 9 o' clock.

**Leon: **Ah. Sad hours seem long…

**Benny: **Anyway, why are you all gloomy and depressing? Are you having girl troubles or something?

**Leon: **Yeah, I'm kinda in love.

**Benny: **Kinda?

**Leon: **Well, I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me.

**Benny: **Who do you love?

**Leon: **_[Emits dreamy sigh] _I love a woman.

**Benny: **I would hope so. How do you know she doesn't love you back?

**Leon: **She won't put out.

**Benny:**...Oh...kay?

**Leon: **She took a vow and everything.

**Benny: **That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, idiot.

**Leon: **But she's so beautiful! How can she deny future generations of such beauty by refusing to reproduce?

**Benny: **Sometimes I think I'm the only sane person in this town.

**Leon: **She's so smart and pretty and charming, but she refuses to do it! She's gonna starve herself by committing to be a virgin forever!

**Benny: **Well, I can understand why you're frustrated. So, just forget about her.

**Leon: **I can't! I think about her all the time, and when I tell myself not to think about her I suddenly realize that I just thought about her, and then I can't get her out of my head and I continue to think about her! _[Gets down on his knees] _Teach me not to think!

**Benny: **_[Pulls him up] _Get up! You're making a scene!

_A beat where Benny looks to audience knowingly  
_  
Come on, all you need to do is look around at other girls. You need to see some really beautiful girls, then you'll forget all about her.

**Leon: **No. Looking at other girls will just remind me of how much more beautiful she is compared to them! It's no use, I'll never forget her.

**Benny: **I swear right here and right now, I'll make you forget about Rose.

**Leon: **How'd you know I'm in love with Rose?

**Benny: **Other than the fact that I saw you sleeping under her window the other day? _[Shrugs] _Lucky guess.

_They exit_

_Cappuccino enters, followed by Rome and Bartleby_

**Cappuccino: **Stupid Montgomery, I'll teach him to make a fool out of me, why I oughta_'…[Inaudible cursing]_

**Rome: **Yeah, yeah, damn that Montgomery and all that good stuff, but what about my proposition to marry your daughter?

**Cappuccino: **What? Marry my daughter? She's way too young to be married! How could you even think of such a thing?

**Rome: **It's the Reinaissance, man! Get with the times!

**Cappuccino: **Oh. Alright then. Say, I'm having a party tonight. You should come and talk with my daughter, get her to fall in love with you.

**Rome: **Are you giving me permission to hit on your daughter at a wild party with poor supervision?

**Cappuccino: **Yeah, pretty much.

**Rome: **Sweet.

**Cappuccino: **Anyway, _[hands Bartleby a piece of paper]_ I need you to send out invitations to all the people on this guest list. I'd do it myself, but I'm rich.

**Bartleby: **Right.

**Cappuccino: **I'll leave you to it, then.

_Cappuccino and Rome exit_

**Bartleby: **Alright. _[looks at guest list] _Oh, no! I can't read because I am but a lowly servant, and somehow Lord Cappuccino didn't think of this. I can't fail in my first noteworthy act of the play! I have to find someone who can read this!

_Leon and Benny enter_

**Benny: **Come on, man. Just check out some other girls already.

**Leon: **Why? What's the point? My life is meaningless without Rose!

**Benny: **Oh, great. Now he's gone all angsty.

_Bartleby runs up to Leonardo_

**Bartleby: **Hey, you! Can you read?

**Leon: **I can read my own fortune in my misery.

**Bartleby: **_[to Benny] _What's wrong with him?

**Benny:** Ignore him, he's just going through some teen angst right now.

**Bartleby: **Oh. Well, can you read?

**Benny: **Of course I can read. What idiot can't read?

**Bartleby: **Um…yeah…anyway, read this. _[hands Benny the guest list]_

**Benny: **The Queen of England, Rome, Erasmus, Galileo, The Guy who mows my lawn, Leonardo Davinci, Titian, Bill from Accounting, Rose-

**Leon: **_[perks up] _Rose?

**Benny: **-Thomas More, my Ex-wife, That Girl from the laundromat, my Ex-wife's stupid husband, Niccolo Machiavelli, William Shakespeare, Martin Luther, blah blah blah. That's a colorful cast of characters you have there. Where are they all going?

**Bartleby: **To the Cappuccinos' party tonight.

**Benny: **Party?

**Bartleby: **Yeah, if you're not a Montgomery you can come, if you want.

**Benny: **Oh, about that -

**Bartleby: **There's a keg and everything.

**Benny: **Really, now.

**Bartleby: **Yeah.

**Benny: **Are there gonna be hot girls there?

**Bartleby: **I don't know, I guess.

**Benny: **Count us in!

**Bartleby: **Ok, see you there.

_Bartleby exits_

**Benny: **This is great! We can go to this party, you can see Rose and compare her to some other girls that are there, and then once you've realized she's not all that we can get drunk off our asses!

**Leon: **But didn't that guy say Montgomerys couldn't go?

**Benny: **Who cares? There's a free keg!

**Leon: **Alright, I'll go, but only so I can see Rose.

**Benny: **Whatever, I don't even care anymore.

_They_ _exit_

_Cappuccino and Emma enter_

**Cappuccino: **Emma, call my daughter to me. I'm much too lazy, I mean, busy to do it myself.

**Emma: **But you're standing right there.

**Cappuccino: **Just do it.

**Emma: **_[deep breath] _JULIA!

_Julia runs in_

**Julia: **What is it?

**Emma: **Your dumbass father wants to talk to you.

**Cappuccino: **Let's see. How old is Juliet, Emma?

**Emma: **_Julia_ is thirteen. She'll be fourteen in a couple of weeks.

**Cappuccino: **Oh, good! She's just old enough to marry off! So, what do you think about being married?

**Julia: **I think it would be nice to be married to a good husband one day, but I don't really think about it that often.

**Cappuccino: **Well, you should start thinking about marriage now, Johan -

**Emma: **_Julia!_

**Cappuccino: **\- Julia. The Count Rome has asked for your hand in marriage.

**Julia: **_[looks surprised, but not happy]_

**Cappuccino: **He has lots of money and status, and you know how much I like disregarding the feelings of others for my own personal gain. So, can you learn to like him?

**Julia: **I'll…try…

**Cappuccino: **Good! He'll be at the party tonight, you can talk to him then. Or you can stand awkwardly in a corner, looking embarrassed and out of place in an attempt to avoid him. It's your choice. Now get ready, you look like crap!

**LATER THAT NIGHT, AT THE PARTY**

_Julia is standing awkwardly in a corner, looking embarrassed and out of place in an attempt to avoid Rome._

**Julia: **This sucks.

_Leon, Benny, and Marcus arrive at the party_

**Benny: **Why is Marcus here again? Won't we be conspicuous as a group of young guys that may or may not be recognized?

**Marcus: **I came for the keg.

**Leon: **That explains it.

**Marcus: **Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go drown myself with an unnecessary amount of liquor.

**Benny: **If you die from alcohol poisoning I'm not dragging your body back home.

**Marcus: **It's ok, just leave me in a gutter somewhere.

**Leon: **Sure thing.

_Marcus goes to the keg_

**Leon:** _[suddenly sees Julia]_ Whoa.

**Benny: **What?

**Leon: **Who's that girl standing awkwardly in the corner over there?

**Benny: **How should I know?

**Leon: **She's so hot.

**Benny: **Ha! My plan to make you forget about Rose worked!

**Leon: **Who's Rose?

**Benny: **Success! Now for the part where we get drunk off our asses!

**Leon: **You go, I'm gonna go talk to that girl.

**Julia: **This is boring…_[starts to space out]_

**Leon: **_[sneaks up beside Julia and grabs her hand]_

**Julia: **Aaah! _[hits Leon repeatedly]_

**Leon: **Ow, not the face! Not the face! _[takes fetal position]_

**Julia: **Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you were Rome.

**Leon: **No, _I'm _sorry! Your hand is, like, holy, and I am unworthy to touch it. If you're offended by the touch of my hand, I'm ready to make things better with a kiss.

**Julia: **Oh, well. _[blushes]_ Uh_, _I mean, you don't give yourself enough credit. Anyway, holding hands is kind of like hand kissing or something, I guess. _[turns to walk away]_

**Leon: **_[still hold on to Julia's hand]_ But we have lips for that, right?

**Julia: **Yes - I mean, no, our lips are for prayer.

**Leon: **Well, I'm praying for you to kiss me. _[leans in to kiss her]_

**Julia: **_[ducks away]_ B-but, um, holy statues don't move!

**Leon: **You don't have to move then. Just stand still while I act out my prayer. _[leans in to kiss her, again]_

**Julia: **Wait, I -

**Leon: **Oh, come on! There's a certain limit when playing hard-to-get, you know!

**Julia: **Oh, sorry.

_Leon kisses Julia_

**Leon: **Now, my sins have been taken away.

**Julia: **And, now I have them!

**Leon: **Sorry about that. I'll just take them back, then.

_Leon kisses Julia again_

**Julia: **Ok, that's better.

**Emma: **Jules, your father wants to talk to you.

_Julia, blushing, moves away_

**Leon: **Who's her father?

**Emma: **Who do you think? He's the guy who's throwing this party! Are you stupid or something?

**Leon: **No! But, um...who's the guy who's throwing this party?

**Emma: **You're not Lord Montgomery's son, Leonardo, are you?

**Leon: **No! _[shifty eyes]_ But who is he?

**Emma: **Lord Cappuccino, _[mutters]_ dumbass.

**Leon: **That girl was a Cappuccino?

**Emma: **No, freaking duh.

**Leon: **Holy crap, I just made-out with my archenemy!

**Emma: **_[eyeing Leon suspiciously]_ Who did you say you were, again?

**Leon: **Uh, I…_[looks at wrist]_ Oh, look at the time! I must be going!

_Leon runs away_

**Emma: **Idiot. He wasn't even wearing a watch.

**Benny: **Leon, I think we should go now. Marcus is totally plastered and I think the police are on their way.

**Leon: **What did he do?

**Benny: **Well...

**Marcus: **_[pointing a "gun" at Bartleby]_ Gimmie all the money! Open the cash register!

**Bartleby: **One, I don't even have a cash register, and two, you don't have a gun. You're holding a twinkie!

**Marcus: **Oh…_[eats twinkie] _Mmmmhhm…_[drools]_

**Leon: **Is that all?

**Benny: **No. He tried to ride an empty keg yelling, "Giddy-up, Seabiscuit!" Oh, and he lit some furniture on fire.

**Leon: **Now I remember why I never bring him to any parties.

_Leon and Benny grab Marcus and start to leave_

**Cappuccino: **Hey, where are you guys going? The parties not over!

_Tyler whispers something in his ear_

**Cappuccino: **He did _what_?! _[glares at the three]_ Get _the hell_ out of my house!

**Julia: **Emma, who are those three leaving?

**Emma: **A bunch of retards.

**Julia: **I meant, what are their names?

**Emma: **I don't know what the drunk one or the guy on the right's names are, but the guy on the left is Leonardo Montgomery, Lord Montgomery's son.

**Julia: **Oh my God! I just made-out with my archenemy!

**Emma: **Yeah, good luck with that.

_Emma exits_

**Julia: **_[to self]_ My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late! Prodigious birth of love it is to me, that I must love a loathed enemy.

**Cappuccino: **Stop reciting poetry to yourself or we'll send you back to the Funny Farm!

_All exit_


	2. Act 2

**...**

**ACT 2**

**Chorus:** Now Leonardo and Julia have met and, to no one's surprise, have fallen madly in love with each other. Too bad it was before they knew each other's names. Even though they are supposed to be enemies, they will be stubborn and find a way to be together. Otherwise, there would be no point to this story.

**OUTSIDE THE CAPPUCCINO ESTATE**

_Leon has run ahead of Benny and Marcus_

**Leon: **_[Starring up the fence surrounding the Cappuccino Estate]_

**Benny: **_[off in the distance] _Leon! Where the hell did you go? I can't carry Marcus all by myself, he's too fat!

**Marcus: **I is not fat! I is fluffly!

**Benny: **Fluffly isn't a word!

**Marcus: **Fluffuly…fluffily… flub-flub…

**Leon: **Eh, screw them. _[Climbs over fence]_

**Benny: **I heard him! Did he just say screw us? What an asshole!

**Marcus: **Fenderlily…fugernoob…

**Benny: **Oh, shut up.

**AT JULIA'S WINDOW**

_Julia enters on the balcony_

(Note: Julia can't hear Leon. Even though he's, like, right there.)

**Leon: **_[Hides in some bushes] _Hey, what's that light over there? It is the east, and Julia is the sun.

**Julia: **_[Sighs]_

**Leon: **She speaks! Well, sort of. Speak again, bright angel!

**Julia: **Oh, Leonardo, Leonardo! Wherefore art thou Leonardo?

_Leon, hearing Julia say his name, and not understanding the meaning of the word "wherefore", becomes very happy and excited and tries to leap out from the bushes. He ends up tripping over a root and clumsily stumbling out._

**Leon: **Here I am!

**Julia: **Ah! Who are you and why are you listening to my private thoughts?

**Leon: **Um, you know, it's not really that private since you're yelling it to the whole world from a balcony.

**Julia: **Hm, you have a point. But it's facing my backyard! No one's supposed to trespass into the backyard!

**Leon: **Ah, touché.

**Julia: **Hey, wait a minute. I recognize your voice! Aren't you Leonardo Montgomery?

**Leon: **Uuuhhh...no?

**Julia: **Yes you are! Don't lie!

**Leon: **Ok, I am. I just didn't know how to tell you my name, since we're supposed to be enemies and stuff.

**Julia: **How did you get here? You couldn't have gotten over the electric fence.

**Leon: **By the power of love I scaled that electric fence! Wait, that thing was electric? Holy crap!

**Julia: **I guess my idiot father forgot to turn it on…

**Leon: **Either way, stone walls can't keep love out!

**Julia: **But it was a fence.

**Leon: **Yeah, whatever!

**Julia: **By the way, you should probably keep quiet, because if anyone finds out you're here they'll most likely kill you.

**Leon: **Oh, snap! Are you serious? _[Dives back into bushes]_

**Julia: **It's ok, though. As long as you're quiet the darkness will hide you.

**Leon: **If you don't love me, let them find me here. I'd rather they killed me than have to live without your love.

**Julia: **How did you know how to find my bedroom window?

**Leon: **Love showed me the way! Also, it helped that your light was on.

**Julia: **I'm blushing like an idiot right now! What's wrong with me?

**Leon: **Julia, if we were separated by an ocean when I don't own a ship, can't read a compass, and have a terrible sense of direction, I would risk everything to get to you.

**Julia: **Oh,I don't know whether I should play hard-to-get or just melt into silly putty around you, I'm kind of new to this whole flirting thing. But please, don't think I'm not serious. I think I like you too much, to be honest. I swear, I'll be more faithful to you than any one else.

But, for right now, I think we should take it slow. I think we're moving a little too fast. So, good night for now. When we see each other again our love we'll be even stronger.

**Leon: **Wait, you're just gonna leave me so unsatisfied?

**Julia: **What satisfaction were you expecting?

**Leon: **I don't know. Something along the lines of intercourse?

**Julia: **_What?_

**Leon: **Uh, I said, would you marry me?

**Julia: **Oh…Oh my God! You just proposed to me!

**Leon: **Huh, so I did.

**Julia: **Yes! Of course I'll marry you! Because marrying you after we just met isn't moving too fast at all!

We have to arrange the wedding at once! You go do that. I'll send a messenger to you tomorrow. What time should I send them?

**Leon: **Uh, I, well -

**Julia: **9 o'clock sounds good! I'll see you tomorrow, my love!

**Leon: **_[slightly confused] _Oh, uh, nighty night!

_They blow air kisses and both exit_

**A FEW HOURS LATER IN FRIAR LAURENCE'S CELL**

**Leon: **Hey, Larry!

**Larry: **Leonardo, I thought I told you to stop calling me that! What are you doing here so early? You look like crap, did you sleep at all last night?

**Leon: **Nnnope.

**Larry: **Were you stalking Rose, again? You know that she threatened to get a restraining order.

**Leon: **Okay, who the hell is this Rose girl everyone keeps talking about?

**Larry: **…Why don't you just tell me where you were last night.

**Leon:**

I'll tell thee ere thou ask it me again.  
I have been feasting with mine enemy,  
Where on a sudden one hath wounded me,  
That's by me wounded. Both our remedies  
Within thy help and holy physic lies.  
I bear no hatred, blessèd man, for, lo,  
My intercession likewise steads my foe.

**Larry: **Speak English, Romeo…

**Leon: **I fell in love with Julia Cappuccino and I want you to marry us.

**Larry: **No way in hell.

**Leon: **I'll pay you double.

**Larry: **Sure thing, kid.

_They exit_

**LATER IN THE STREETS OF YE OLDE NOTINGLAND**

**Benny: **Can you believe Leonardo ditched us last night?

**Marcus: **Who's Leonardo?

**Benny: **Your best friend, stupid. What's wrong with you? You can't be drunk again!

**Marcus: **Hey, I ain't planning to run a marathon.

**Benny: **Oh, I just remembered. A letter came last night for Leon.

**Marcus: **Who's it from?

**Benny: **Tyler. He probably wants a fight, though I'm not sure why.

**Marcus: **Well, in the original Romeo and Juliet, Tybalt wanted to fight Romeo because he saw him at the party and felt that he was insulting his family by his presence there. This parody wasn't very clear on that, though. I don't think Tyler's even gotten more than a few lines.

**Benny: **_[horrified]_ Did you just completely break character in order to explain a poorly executed but very important plot point?

_Leonardo enters_

**Marcus:** Hey, look! Here comes Leon.

**Benny:** And we're just going to pretend that it never happened...

**Marcus:** You faked us out pretty good last night.

**Benny: **Now you remember?

**Leon: **What are you guys talking about?

**Marcus: **You ditched us last night!

**Leon: **Sorry, I had something more important to do then help drag Marcus home.

**Benny: **I didn't take him home, I left him in a ditch.

**Marcus: **Yeah, why did you leave me in that ditch?

**Benny: **You told me to.

**Marcus: **I did?

**Leon: **Yup, you kinda did.

**Marcus: **Oh…Ok, then.

_Emma and Bartleby enter_

**Leon: **Hey, look.

**Emma: **It's hot. Give me my fan, Bartleby.

**Marcus: **Yeah, give her a fan to hide her ugly face! Haha!

**Emma: **Rude! What kind of man are you?

**Benny: **The kind that gets drunk at 9 o' clock in the morning…

**Emma: **Uh huh…can any of you tell me where I can find Leonardo Montgomery?

**Leon: **That's me.

**Emma: **Can I have a word with you?

**Benny: **Oh, you've done it now!

**Marcus: **You're in troouuble!

_Marcus and Benny tease Leon as he tries to push them away_

**Leon: **Get out of here!

**Marcus: **Ok, fine. I'm hungry.

**Benny: **Me too.

**Marcus: **Let's go raid Leon's fridge!

**Leon: **What?

**Benny: **Yeah!

**Marcus: **_[To Emma] _Bye, grandma!

**Emma: **_Grandma_? Why I oughta'-!

_Benny and Marcus exit_

**Emma: **What idiot gets drunk at this time of day?

**Leon: **An idiot who's main purpose thus far is comedic effect. Now, what did you want to talk to me about?

**Emma: **Oh, right. I nearly forgot. Julia wants to marry you, like, now-ish. She got all pissed off at me when I told her that she's being stupid and impulsive by marrying you after you two just met. I don't know why she wants to marry you, anyway. Rome is _way_better looking. But she won't listen to me, so when are you planning on getting this thing settled?

**Leon: **Tell Julia to come to Friar Laurence's cell this afternoon. He'll marry us then.

**Emma: **Sure, whatever. Just to let you know, I don't like you. Jules might think you're all that and a bag of chips, but Rome is just all-around better than you are -

**Leon: **I think you've made your point -

**Emma: **Don't interrupt me! Like I was saying, Jules is, like, totally in love with you, and I'm only doing this for her. I care about her, and if you break her heart, I'll beat you so bad your own parents won't recognize you.

**Leon: **Ok, I get it.

**Emma: **I'm serious, I'll kick your ass.

**Leon: **Alright, already!

**Emma: **Best wishes to you both.

**Leon: **I'm just gonna walk away now.

_They both exit_

**Julia: **_[pacing back and forth anxiously] _Oohhh...I sent the nurse at 9 o' clock. It's been three hours since then! What if she can't find him? What if she got lost? What if her ADD started acting up? Oh, why does she have to be so fat and slow and - !

_Emma enters_

**Julia: **Oh, good, sweet Emma! Did you find him?

**Emma: **What? Find who?

**Julia: **Leonardo! Who else?

**Emma: **Oh right, that one. Yeah, I found him. I must say, you have horrible taste in men. I'm embarrassed to say that I raised you.

**Julia: **You found him? Good! What did he say?

**Emma: **What did who say?

**Julia: **Leonardo! What did Leonardo say?

**Emma: **Oh, of course. He said- where's your father?

**Julia: **My father? Why did he ask about my father?

**Emma: **Why did who ask about your father?

**Julia: **Leonardo!

**Emma: **Leonardo? Who's Leonardo?

**Julia: **The guy I sent you to talk to!

**Emma: **Oh! That's right…Why would Leonardo ask about your father?

**Julia: **Oh, I have a headache now…

**Emma: **Did you eat lunch?

**Julia: **No, I was too anxious to eat lunch.

**Emma: **Well, no wonder you have a headache.

**Julia: **I have a headache because you won't answer a simple question! Could you please tell me what Leonardo said?

**Emma: **Oh, Leonardo! You must hurry! Run to Friar Laurence's cell! Go, go!

**Julia: **Wait, what?

**Emma: **No time to waste, you're late!

_Julia runs off_

**Emma: **Ha ha. Well, that was fun.

_Emma exits_

_Larry and Leon enter_

**Larry: **I have a bad feeling about this, Leonardo. Are you sure you know what you're doing?

**Leon: **I really have no clue.

**Larry:** Oh, well, that just makes me feel so much better...

**Leon:** I just know that I love Julia, and if I can call her mine I don't care what happens to me. All I know is that she's worth it.

**Larry: **You know, it was just a couple of days ago you said almost the exact same thing about Rose…

**Leon: **Alright, seriously, _who is Rose_? I have no clue who you're talking about!

**Larry: **_[sighs] _Never mind…

_Julia runs in and hugs Leon_

**Larry: **Awww. Well, don't you two just make a wonderful, ridiculously naïve couple? So, are you ready to seal this deal?

_Julia and Leon don't answer. They stand and stare intensely into each other's eyes_

**Larry: **Umm…alright. Let's do this quickly, so you can get on to the honeymoon…since apparently, that's all you two can think about. Ah, well. Let's get on with it.

_All exit_


	3. Act 3

**...**

**ACT 3**

_Benny and Marcus run in_

**Marcus: **_[out of breath] _Wow, that was close…those big dogs were scary…

**Benny: **_[also out of breath] _Yeah...I forgot how heavily guarded the Montgomery fridge was.

**Marcus:** Aren't you a Montgomery?

**Benny:** Yeah, but no one remembers that. I'm surprised that you were not only able to outrun the dogs, Marcus, but you were able to run in a mostly-straight line. Aren't you supposed to be drunk?

**Marcus: **I'm not really sure anymore. This story is stupid, and it's really confusing me.

**Benny: **Okay, okay, I think we should stop breaking the fourth wall now…

**Marcus: **Why? People love it when characters do that!

**Benny: **Yeah, but what if the wall completely collapses? Who knows what's out there beyond it? The wall makes me feel safe.

**Marcus: **Ok, fine, we won't break it anymore. Jeez.

**Benny: **Thanks. So…what should we do now?

**Marcus: **Let's fight with Tyler.

**Benny: **What? Why?

**Marcus: **I don't know, but the script says I'm supposed to want to fight him.

**Benny: **What did I just say about breaking the fourth wall!

_Tyler enters_

**Marcus: **Hey, Tyler!

**Tyler: **What do you want?

**Marcus: **I want to fight you.

**Tyler: **Why? What reason do you have to fight me?

**Marcus: **I don't know. Do I need a reason?

**Tyler: **I guess not. This play is chock-full of nonsensical violence.

**Benny: **Dammit! Stop breaking the fourth -

**Tyler: **But before I fight you, I want to fight Leonardo.

**Marcus: **Why?

**Tyler: **Y'know, I'm not really sure. I don't think we've really explained my character's motives.

**Benny: **Oh my God! How many times -

**Tyler: **Hold on, let me see this…_[takes out script]_

**Benny: **Don't take out your script in the middle of a scene! What's wrong with you?

**Tyler: **Ah! I get it now! I want to fight Leonardo because he insulted me with his presence at my uncle's party, which he knew he wasn't invited to -

**Benny: **_[aside] _How would that insult Tyler? It was his uncle's party after all, not his. Plus Marcus and I were there too, so why doesn't he want to fight us? I don't get it.

**Tyler: **And now that you've picked a fight with me, I want to fight you because you hang out with Leonardo! There, now that's cleared up.

**Marcus: **But that still doesn't explain why I tried to pick a fight with you in the first place.

**Benny: **I give up…

**Tyler: **I don't know. Maybe you're just an asshole.

**Marcus: **Oh. Hey, wait a minute!

_Leon skips in merrily, humming to himself_

**Tyler: **Ah, there he is.

**Leon: **Marcus! Benjamin! My two bestest friends in the entire world!

**Benny: **Dude. Why were you just skipping?

**Marcus:**…_[snickers]_

**Leon: **Oh, you don't know how happy I am! I'm so happy I could kiss all of you, but I won't because that would technically be cheating on my new bride.

**Benny: **Uh huh. Wait, what was that last part?

_Tyler draws his sword_

**Tyler: **Turn around and face me, you villain!

**Leon: **What?

**Tyler: **Fight me!

**Leon: **You know, if you had come a few hours earlier I would have gladly fought you. But now, I can't. Let's just say…I've had a change of heart. Tyler, you're like a brother to me now.

**Tyler: **How dare you insult me by calling me your brother! _[thrusts sword at Leon]_

_Leon moves out of the way of Tyler's sword. Marcus, who was coincidentally standing right behind Leon, is stabbed instead._

**Marcus: **Ahh! Ah…ah, that stings…

**Leon: **Shit! Marcus, are you okay?

**Tyler: **Crap! No way am I going to stay here and except the reasonable consequences of my foolish actions! _[runs off]_

**Marcus: **Dude…why the hell did you move out of the way? If you hadn't...I wouldn't be hurt now…

**Leon: **I don't know. It seemed like a good idea at the time, since, like, a sword was about to pierce my heart and all.

_Marcus tries to stand up_

**Benny: **Marcus, you shouldn't move!

**Marcus: **It's okay…_[grunts] _it's just a scratch…

**Benny: **Um, I hate to break it to you, but Tyler cut your whole arm off.

**Marcus: **What? _[looks down] _Aw, fuckin' hell…he was using a rapier! How is this even possible?! _Gah!_

_Marcus falls back to the ground_

**Leon: **Don't worry, Marcus! I'll avenge you! _[runs after Tyler]_

**Marcus: **Your houses!

**Benny: **What was that?

**Marcus: **I don't know. _[dies]_

_Leon catches up with Tyler_

**Leon: **Hey, Tyler!

**Tyler: **What?

**Leon: **I think I'm ready for that fight now!

_Leon and Tyler fight. Tyler is slain._

**Benny: **Leon, run! Get out of here! If you're caught, Prince Steve will give you the death penalty!

**Leon: **Oh yeah! I completely forgot about that factor.

_Leon runs off_

_Prince Steve, Lord and Lady Montgomery, and Lord Cappuccino enter with Others (whoever others are)_

**Steve: **What happened here?

**Benny: **Tyler killed your relative, Marcus. To get revenge, Leonardo killed Tyler.

**Steve:**...That's it?

**Benny:** Well, yeah. I mean, it's not like I need thirty-some-odd lines to explain what the readers just read. Oh crap, now I'm doing it!

**Steve:** I...suppose.

**Lord Cappuccino: **Lies! Benjamen is a Montgomery! His loyalties make him lie!

**Benny:** Someone remembers!

**Steve: **Other witnesses have told me the same story. Tyler killed Marcus. Leon killed Tyler. Now then..._[turns to all]_

End scene

...

**JULIA'S BEDROOM**

**Julia:** Oh, I can't wait until tonight when Leonard and I can fully express our love! And by that, I mean have [insert pretentious avoidance noun here].

**Emma: **Guess what! Leonardo killed your cousin.

**Julia: **Egad! Here, take this shiny piece of metal to him! _[gives Emma her ring] _It will comfort him.

**Emma: **Um…how is a ring supposed to comfort him?

**Julia: **Don't worry about it, it will work. Now go!

_Emma leaves_

**LAURENCE'S CELL**

**Leon: **Life sucks.

**Larry: **Guess what! Instead of giving you the death sentence, the prince just decided to banish you from Ye Olde Notingland.

**Leon: **Egad! I would prefer death!

**Larry: **Ungrateful prick.

_Emma enters_

**Emma: **Here's a shiny ring to help you with your troubles.

**Leon: **I instantly feel comforted.

**Larry: **What? How did that work?

**Leon: **Man-jewelry makes everything better!

**Emma: **Oh yeah, and Jules said she still wants you to come to her room tonight.

**Leon: **This day is awesome!

**Larry:**…

_They exit_


	4. Act 4- Final Act

**...**

**ACT 4**

_Enter Lord Cappuccino and Rome_

**Cappuccino: **Well, I think we've waited long enough. What day is it?

**Rome: **It's Monday.

**Cappuccino: **Alright, let's schedule the wedding for Thursday!

**Rome: **Thursday? That soon?

**Cappuccino: **What's wrong?

**Rome: **It's just, Julia's cousin was recently murdered. Maybe you should give her a little more time to grieve…

**Cappuccino: **Nonsense! A wedding is perfect, it will perk her right up. I'll tell her the news in the morning.

_They exit_

…

_It is now the next morning and Leon and Julia are lying in bed together_

**Julia: **It was a nightingale.

**Leon: **I'm pretty sure it was a lark.

**Julia: **Nightingale.

**Leon: **Lark.

**Julia: **Nightingale!

**Leon: **Lark!

_Emma enters_

**Emma: **Your father is coming! By the way, it was a Lark.

**Leon: **Ha! Told you so!

**Julia: **Forget about that now, my father is coming! _[pushes him to the window]_

_They kiss at the window_

**Julia: **Oh, I feel like I'll never see you again.

**Leon: **Of course we'll see each other again. Things always work out for the ones who have true love on their side.

_They kiss again, and Leon goes down the ladder._

**Julia: **Oh, Leonardo…

_Lord Cappuccino enters_

**Cappuccino: **Julia? Are you still in here? What's the matter with you?

**Julia: **I think I'm sick.

**Cappuccino: **I know what will make you feel better!

**Julia: **Is it a puppy? I've always wanted a puppy.

**Cappuccino: **Um, no, it's not a puppy. It's a wedding!

**Julia: **Whose?

**Cappuccino: **Yours!

**Julia: **Oh, dear…

**Cappuccino: **Well? You know, if you pronounce it in a weird way, it could sound kind of like puppy.

**Julia: **I don't want a wedding!

**Cappuccino: **Oh. Are you sure?

**Julia: **Yes!

**Cappuccino: **Well then. _[waving goodbye and walking out the door] _Have fun struggling for survival on the streets!

**Julia: **Father, wait!

_Cappuccino exits_

**Julia: **Darn. I was really hoping for a puppy.

_Julia goes to Larry's cell._

**Larry: **Julia! I know of your predicament and I've come up with a plan to save you!

**Julia: **Oh, isn't it horrible, Friar? I can't believe it!

**Larry: **Yes, it is terrible…yet, strangely predictable…

**Julia: **I've been begging him for a puppy since my fifth birthday, and he promised to get me one. And here I am, fourteen, and still no puppy!

**Larry: **Wait, what? What are you talking about?

**Julia: **Well, what were you talking about?

**Larry: **Um…_[hands her the potion]_ Just drink this the night before the wedding.

**Julia: **Oh, thanks!

_Julia exits_

**Larry: **_[sighs] _I tried to warn them, but do those kids ever listen to me? Nope…

_Laurence exits_

* * *

**ACT 5**

**Chorus: **That night, Julia told her father she would marry Rome, but the next morning she is found lying in her bed, "dead". Friar Larry has sent a messenger to the nearby town where Leonardo is staying. Unbeknownst to Larry, Leon has sent Bartleby to Ye Olde Notingland to see how things are with his family and Julia. Bartleby witnesses Julia's funeral and runs to go tell Leon that his wife is dead, while Larry's messenger, Friar Johnny, is stuck in traffic. Now, lets continue with our story.

_Larry and Johnny enter separately_

**Johnny: **Hey, Friar Laurence!

**Larry: **Ah, John. Thank goodness. I've really been stressing out, and I could use some relief. I trust Leon got the message?

**Johnny: **Speaking of the message, here it is! _[hands Larry the letter]_

**Larry: **What!

_Johnny exits_

**Larry: **Wait, I-! Oh, this is bad! This is very bad!

_Larry exits_

…

**APOTHECARY'S OFFICE**

_Leon enters_

**Apothecary: **No soliciting! Go away!

**Leon: **I'm not soliciting. I happened to pass by here a while ago and I thought to myself, "If ever a man needed to buy a poison to kill himself, he would surely find it here."

**Apothecary: **Hey! I take offense to that comment! I do not deal in such black market items.

**Leon: **So, you can't sell me poison?

**Apothecary: **Well, actually…

**Leon: **_[pointing to Tobi]_ What's with the pig?

**Apothecary: **What? Haven't you ever seen a pig before?

**Leon: **I just wondered why you had it…

**Tobi: **Oink!

**Leon: **Hey, its kinda cute. I like her. Can I buy the pig, too?

**Apothecary: **I thought you were going to kill yourself.

**Leon: **Well, why can't a man buy himself a pig, just cause he's gonna kill himself? I call discrimination!

**Apothecary:** It just doesn't make much sense, since you're going to die anyway.

**Leon: **Maybe I would just like someone to be present with me when I die, so I don't have to die alone.

**Apothecary: **You sound like a miserable loser. Fine, you can take the pig.

**Leon: **Much obliged. _[gives her the money]_

**Apothecary: **Here you go. _[hands Leon the poison and Tobi] _Pleasure doing business with you. Come again! Oh, that's right…never mind.

_Leon exits_

**A CEMETARY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT**

_Enter Rome and Bartleby_

**Rome: **Bartleby, hand me that torch.

**Bartleby: **What a minute! I'm confused! Just what character am I playing, exactly?

**Rome: **You're "the character who goes wherever he is needed". You were basically thrown in here because the author of this parody didn't want an abundance of unnamed and minor characters. So, you just ended up with several small parts.

**Bartleby: **Oh…but won't that be confusing later on?

**Rome: **Perhaps. Just give me that torch. Stay here and stand guard. _[Rome goes to Julia's closed tomb] _My Julia…I'll make it my nightly ritual to bring flowers to your grave.

_Bartleby whistles_

Well, that sure was fast. I feel as if I've been unfairly robbed of page time. Ah, well. _[hides in the bushes]_

_Leonardo enters_

**Leon: **Bartleby? Was that you whistling?

**Bartleby: **Um…no.

**Leon: **I think you're lying, but in order to get this thing over with I'll pretend I believe you.

**Bartleby: **…Okay.

**Leon: **Hand me that crowbar and hold the light. Now, I'm going into the tomb. Don't you dare come in after me!

**Bartleby: **Why would I want to go in after you? There're dead bodies down there! Speaking of which, why exactly are you going down there?

**Leon: **I'm going to do something very evil.

**Bartleby: **Oh. Well, good luck with that.

**Leon: **I'm serious. I plan on doing something very despicable and vile and…and evil! Don't follow me, or -

**Bartleby: **I get it, I won't follow you.

**Leon: **It's evil!

**Bartleby: **Get on with it, already!

**Leon: **_[glares] _I'm watching you.

**Bartleby: **_[sighs] _If I go behind the bushes over there, will it make you feel better?

**Leon: **…It's possible.

**Bartleby: **Fine. _[goes behind bushes]_

**Leon: **Alright, then.

_Rome emerges from the bushes_

**Rome: **Stop, Montgomery! I've caught you, and now I'm going to turn you over to the royal guards.

**Leon: **Don't get in my way! Whoever you are.

**Rome: **…What?

**Leon: **You obviously know who I am, since you called me by name, but I'm afraid I don't know who you are.

**Rome: **Really? You - you don't know who I am? Are you serious?

**Leon: **Well, it's kind of dark, I can't see you very well, and I don't recognize your voice. Have we met before?

**Rome: **Actually, I'm not sure. We've never been in a scene together, so I guess we don't know each other personally. Even though you were best friends with one of my relatives. I think the only reason I know you is because you killed my would-be wife's cousin and were banished.

**Leon: **I literally did not understand a single word you just said.

**Rome: **Oh, never mind. Let's just fight already.

**Leon: **Hold on, now! Why do you want to fight me?

**Rome: **Isn't it obvious?

**Leon: **Not really.

**Rome: **_[sighs] _As I've said already, you killed my fiancé's cousin, and apparently there's a rumor that she died from grief over his death.

**Leon: **_[sarcasm] _Yeah, that's likely.

**Rome: **So, I want to avenge the death of my wife. Plus, you're desecrating the tomb of a noble family, and that's just not cool.

**Leon: **I'm sorry, but I'm a little lost. Who was your fiancé again?

**Rome: **Julia Cappuccino.

**Leon: **What? Oh, hell no! No one gets engaged to _my_ wife!

**Rome: **What?

**Leon: **Oh, it's on, bro! It. Is. ON! _[pulls out sword from nowhere]_

**Rome: **Do you just carry that sword around all the time in case someone starts a fight with you?

**Leon: **Well, it seems to be happening a lot lately, so yes.

**Rome: **Alright, then. Bartleby!

_Bartleby emerges from behind the bushes._

**Rome: **Hand me my sword.

**Leon: **Hey! I thought you were _my_ servant!

**Bartleby: **Yeah, sorry about that. _[to Rome] _And sorry, Rome, but you didn't bring a sword with you.

**Rome: **What? Why not?

**Bartleby: **You came to mourn in a graveyard in the middle of the night. I guess you assumed you wouldn't need it.

**Rome: **Oh. That's hardly convenient.

**Leon: **It is for me.

**Rome: **Well, Bartleby, did I bring any thing that can be used as a weapon? A dagger, perhaps? Hell, a knife will do.

**Leon: **I wonder if that's an insult towards me…

**Bartleby: **Sorry. The only things you brought were some flowers and a spoon.

**Rome: **A spoon? Why the hell did I bring a spoon?

**Bartleby: **To eat pudding, but you forgot the pudding.

**Rome: **Oh, right. I guess it will have to do, then.

**Leon: **Now, let's stop stalling and fight!

**Rome: **_[wielding the spoon] _Bring it on!

_Leonardo and Rome fight. Rome is stabbed._

**Rome: **Hm. Well, its not like this came as a surprise to anyone. _[dies]_

**Leon: **The sad thing is, I almost lost…

_He picks up Rome's body and throws it into the open tomb._

Now, to get on with the actual plot.

_He goes into the tomb and finds Julia._

Ah, my beautiful wife…

_He stares longingly at her for several minutes. Then, he grabs her by the shoulders and begins to shake her and scream._

Wake up! I know you're faking it! Wake up, dammit!

**Bartleby: **_[from outside the tomb] _Leonardo, she's dead!

**Leon**: No, she's just sleeping. Wake up, Julia!

**Bartleby: **I'm serious! She's not going to wake up!

**Leon: **Oh, come on! Everything always works out for people who are truly in love, right? _[panicky] Right?_

**Bartleby: **Well, I think there's plenty of people who doubt the sincerity of your feelings…

**Leon: **I read Romeo and Juliet in high school! She's just sleeping! Wake up, Julia!

_Julia still does not wake up._

…Alright…I guess she really is dead. _[opens a satchel he was carrying with him and takes out the poison and Tobi]_

Alright, little piggy. It's been nice knowing you, but I'm afraid I have to leave now…

_[overly dramatic] _Eyes, look your last. Arms, take your last embrace. And lips, O you, the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss a dateless bargain to engrossing death. _[kisses Julia and takes the poison]_ Come, bitter conduct. Come, unsavory guide. Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on the dashing rocks thy seasick, weary bark. Here's to my love! _[drinks the poison]_ O true apothecary, thy drugs are quick. Thus…with a kiss…I…

_Leon burps loudly_

…Huh. That wasn't exactly what I was expecting…

**Bartleby: **Are you dead yet?

**Leon: **I don't think so. I think I've been cheated…

**Bartleby: **Oh. That sucks.

**Leon: **Tell me about it. What should I do now?

**Bartleby: **Well, you still have your sword.

**Leon: **Oh yeah! _[takes out sword] _Ew, but it still has that one guy's blood on it.

**Bartleby: **So? You're going to die! Does it really matter?

**Leon: **Hey, didn't I tell you earlier to get out of here?

**Bartleby: **Oh, right.

_Bartleby leaves_

**Leon: **Hm. What to do in this situation? Maybe I can just sit here and die of starvation…no, that sounds too painful. _[Sighs] _This is kind of embarrassing. I guess I'll just leave now.

_Leon takes Tobi and leaves_

_A few moments later, Friar Laurence trips down the stairs to the tomb_

**Larry: **Ow! What the heck? Was that a body randomly lying on the stairs? _[looks back] _Holy hell, it's Rome! What in the world is going on here?!

**Julia: **_[waking up] _Leonardo…?

**Larry: **Not quite.

**Julia: **Oh…

**Watchman 1: **_[outside the tomb] _Did you hear something?

**Larry: **Crap!

**Watchman 2: **It's probably nothing. Nothing interesting ever happens in a graveyard in the middle of the night. I mean, what kind of person wants to be in a creepy, misty graveyard at night?

**Larry: **Hurry, Julia! We have to go!

**Watchman 1: **What does that say about us then?

**Watchman 2:**…

**Julia: **I'm not leaving without Leonardo.

**Larry: **Ugh, the things I do for you kids!

_Larry rushes out of the tomb to fend off the watchmen_

_Watchman 2 freaks out and stabs Larry_

**Watchman 1: **Oh my gosh, you just stabbed that guy!

**Watchman 2: **I didn't mean to! He flew out of a tomb, I was scared!

**Watchman 1: **Dude, you stabbed a _friar! _Look at his robes!

**Watchman 2: **Aaah!

**Watchman 1: **You are sooo going to hell for this!

_In the commotion, Julia manages to sneak away_

...

**Chorus: **So, Julia safely made it out of Ye Olde Notingland and was eventually reunited with Leonardo. And so, the happy couple began their new lives living in the nearby town of Ye Olde Notimportant, raising their pet pig Tobi, who Julia repeatedly insisted was a puppy. And their infantile, careless love flourished. Well, sort of.

...

**A FEW YEARS LATER…**

_Julia and Leonardo are sitting across from each other at the breakfast table_

**Julia:**…

**Leon:**...

**Julia:**...

**Leon:**...

**Tobi:**...

**Julia:** I want a divorce.

**...**

THE END


End file.
